Tears

I don't want to cry anymore.
I don't want to hurt anymore.
I don't want to lose anymore.

I'm such a fool.

Maze of Life

This is a representation of the Native American Maze of Life, it represents life's twists and turns and the center represents "Home" It feels very fitting for me as I have felt like I was lost in a maze for so long, then I started to see light out of one of the tunnels. I fallowed it and now I can see my home but I am not quite there yet.

Gingers have no soul

Gingers have no soul, their soul has to belong to someone else so they can only be complete then whey are with that person. This is where the term soul mate comes from. When they are together it not only completes the Ginger it completes the protector as well as that Gingers soul is part of theirs as well. If it is 2 Gingers each holds the others souls, this is also why we are good with animals and people, but also why people betray us and abandon as they don't sense the same essence as they do from others, but this also means we have the purest souls.

It is funny I have always felt that I never had a soul, not just none what so ever just that I didn't have one in me, but this also means I can exceed normal limitation and extreme limitations. But it also makes you feel alone and somewhat empty, well at least till you find your soul mate.

The Balance and Flow of Life and Love.

As I sat on my front step this morning at 6am I was marveled about the thought of good and evil. The symbol of the yin and yang has always bothered me, I have seen many cultures that have used it and described it in their own way, Taoism talks about how it represents the flow of energy, Confucianism talks about how it would be the representation of male and female. Others talk about how it is the representation of good and evil, that in all good there is some evil, and in all evil there is some good. They try and validate this with examples like, “Oh if we have to sacrifice these few lives to save all these other lives”. Or this one that always scared me when people used it in terms of acts of evil that when genocide was caused that they reduced the need on resources so more can survive on what is available.

For generations people have tried to use this term and their actions for validation on why they did something, and when presented with the question of why, they always tried to show how it still did good or just saying they were misled. The thing is people want to make the argument that people that are evil don’t know they are evil, this is bullshit, yes they do, when they look at the rest of the world and see that they are the ones making others suffer they know exactly what they are going and that they are evil. People want to give into the temptation of power and they have to stop, they know what they are, never believe otherwise. This makes me sick because it is always when they are confronted with someone trying to punish them that they become good because they don’t want to go to jail or something, just admit what you did and accept the punishment, own up to what you did and be honest. The thing is though I know humans are very messed up in their purity or more the corruptions of their emotions, I have seen people that are supposedly very religious commit the most horrific acts against people and animals. As well as people that have nothing give away a meal to someone else even though they are already starving. These acts are generally pure and they think they are at the time they do it and we think they are good or evil, but really it is not, sacrificing yourself is still and evil, sharing your meal is better, giving it away is evil because you are hurting yourself when you need it as much as someone else, the thought about the act might be pure but the itself is not pure.

See humans have been corrupted in their emotions, they don’t even know what is really good and bad anymore, partially because those definitions are human ones. Acts are acts; I have learned this because I have in me the ultimate good and the ultimate evil for lack of a better word. I know I do and as a kid the evil came out, now the difference here is that when I say evil I am not meaning hurting animals or things like that, more that I would fight and had anger in me that I let get expressed in the wrong way. Now I have learned to live in balance both with that I have done, am currently doing and that both parts of me exists in a form of harmony, now it is not as easy as that however though. I can never fully walk a balanced life as that means I would have to express both sides completely; however it is like having a glass and 2 pitchers of liquid. What I am doing right now is pouring equal parts of each into that glass and they exist in a harmony but there are still those 2 pitchers that are almost full that I am ignoring. Walking a true balanced life for me is not possible here. For humans they are not like I am, well there is one other like me, and that’s ma Belle, there might also be a couple others that are like us too but they are not quite like she and I.

You see life is a flow, all life is connected, and when life is created it comes from all around us. A Soul is made up by the energy around us, the sun feeds plants, the earth gives them nutrients, animals eat the plants and others eat those animals. The energy in them gets transferred to build new life. When life dies it returns to the earth to feed new life. All life also looses and gains part of their soul all day long, you breath in and out gaining and losing some of it, same with going to the bathroom, and then eating, you also loose hair and skin etc… All the time you are gaining and losing part of your soul because it is what you are, the energy that makes up all things. Now there are a few like me and ma Belle that this is not the case, we have a set core that does not change, we do still gain and loose some as it is like putting a steel ball in a pail of water, the water itself like for everyone else comes and goes but that one part remains. Life gets changed by our views of it, we see cows as animals and food and Cats as companions, but there is more to it. Their soul can change who and what they are. I am sure you have sensed darkness in a few animals as well as humans; this is part because of what they have done and what the energy that they have taken in has done to them. In the Fetus stage there is a special influx of energy that does greatly influence a beings soul and actions, however they can change if they wish it comes down to choices and the strength of will of the being. Each bit of energy keeps a slight imprint of everything that happens to it, so there is energy around that is from the time of the Egyptians for example and much longer, this is why all life is connected.

Life tries to live in balance and while people want to put names on things and define things, you have to look at the world in a more simple way. A name does not give you power over anything, feel what is around you, fallow your heart as it can sense things your mind won’t let you, and sometimes it asks hard things of us, but everyone has to learn to trust it. I have had so many strange dreams of late, some,,,, well I am not going to say what those are here or to anyone I think, others show me control, they show me my hope and my wife, I know who it is, but I am not allowed to have her, to kiss her and share everything with her and it hurts. I am fighting for her, I am trying to show her I am the one for her and I will always take care of her, love her, be her equal and partner in all things and that I am the one for her always and forever. I have lived through so much and I learned that sometimes there are things to let go of, that sometimes I have had to make hard choices and people do get hurt, but through all that I learned that there are things worth fighting for. I ran away and I pulled all this around to me so I could understand something I did so long ago. I was searching for my forgiveness and how to not make the same mistakes and I finally have. What I never expected was that she would come looking for me. Unfortunately taking on human forms made us in part human and we let stupid human rules and foolishness get in the way, well I did. But I have learned, learned how to be me, how to be better, make the hard choices, how to be kind and loving, how to stand back and give credit, what pain is, how to fallow my heart and what true love is.

I am now ready and my dreams have been showing me that, they are showing me how to control what I have in me, the mind set on how to use it and the love for it I need.

The Walking Dead.

Have you ever felt numb but at the same time like every emotional nerve was on fire? I never thought it possible, usually in the past when I was emotionally overwhelmed my emotions just shut down. I lived a lot of the last few years like that, then my wife asked to bring someone else into our relationship and it snapped me out of that lull I screamed out. Unfortunately I wanted to make her happy and I told myself this was ok. See years ago I was wanting to do the same although I made it clear that this was the way I was before we got together but she objected and I said ok and changed for her and it was the right choice but now she wanted to bring a guy into our relationship and it tore me apart. See I knew him and did care a lot for him but I am a lesbian I don't feel that way about men but I cared for him and for my partner and was stupid enough to be willing to sacrifice anything for her so I said yes. Unfortunately things just went from bad to worse as she strung me along for months before she hurt me by making me guess she wanted a divorce because she was so gutless she could not tell me herself.

This started the pain again even worse and I was pushed to the edge.

It has gotten better since I wrote most of this post 2 weeks ago but there are times that I still feel like that. Lost, confused and like I am the walking dead.