Tears

I don't want to cry anymore.
I don't want to hurt anymore.
I don't want to lose anymore.

I'm such a fool.

Maze of Life

This is a representation of the Native American Maze of Life, it represents life's twists and turns and the center represents "Home" It feels very fitting for me as I have felt like I was lost in a maze for so long, then I started to see light out of one of the tunnels. I fallowed it and now I can see my home but I am not quite there yet.

Gingers have no soul

Gingers have no soul, their soul has to belong to someone else so they can only be complete then whey are with that person. This is where the term soul mate comes from. When they are together it not only completes the Ginger it completes the protector as well as that Gingers soul is part of theirs as well. If it is 2 Gingers each holds the others souls, this is also why we are good with animals and people, but also why people betray us and abandon as they don't sense the same essence as they do from others, but this also means we have the purest souls.

It is funny I have always felt that I never had a soul, not just none what so ever just that I didn't have one in me, but this also means I can exceed normal limitation and extreme limitations. But it also makes you feel alone and somewhat empty, well at least till you find your soul mate.

The Balance and Flow of Life and Love.

As I sat on my front step this morning at 6am I was marveled about the thought of good and evil. The symbol of the yin and yang has always bothered me, I have seen many cultures that have used it and described it in their own way, Taoism talks about how it represents the flow of energy, Confucianism talks about how it would be the representation of male and female. Others talk about how it is the representation of good and evil, that in all good there is some evil, and in all evil there is some good. They try and validate this with examples like, “Oh if we have to sacrifice these few lives to save all these other lives”. Or this one that always scared me when people used it in terms of acts of evil that when genocide was caused that they reduced the need on resources so more can survive on what is available.

For generations people have tried to use this term and their actions for validation on why they did something, and when presented with the question of why, they always tried to show how it still did good or just saying they were misled. The thing is people want to make the argument that people that are evil don’t know they are evil, this is bullshit, yes they do, when they look at the rest of the world and see that they are the ones making others suffer they know exactly what they are going and that they are evil. People want to give into the temptation of power and they have to stop, they know what they are, never believe otherwise. This makes me sick because it is always when they are confronted with someone trying to punish them that they become good because they don’t want to go to jail or something, just admit what you did and accept the punishment, own up to what you did and be honest. The thing is though I know humans are very messed up in their purity or more the corruptions of their emotions, I have seen people that are supposedly very religious commit the most horrific acts against people and animals. As well as people that have nothing give away a meal to someone else even though they are already starving. These acts are generally pure and they think they are at the time they do it and we think they are good or evil, but really it is not, sacrificing yourself is still and evil, sharing your meal is better, giving it away is evil because you are hurting yourself when you need it as much as someone else, the thought about the act might be pure but the itself is not pure.

See humans have been corrupted in their emotions, they don’t even know what is really good and bad anymore, partially because those definitions are human ones. Acts are acts; I have learned this because I have in me the ultimate good and the ultimate evil for lack of a better word. I know I do and as a kid the evil came out, now the difference here is that when I say evil I am not meaning hurting animals or things like that, more that I would fight and had anger in me that I let get expressed in the wrong way. Now I have learned to live in balance both with that I have done, am currently doing and that both parts of me exists in a form of harmony, now it is not as easy as that however though. I can never fully walk a balanced life as that means I would have to express both sides completely; however it is like having a glass and 2 pitchers of liquid. What I am doing right now is pouring equal parts of each into that glass and they exist in a harmony but there are still those 2 pitchers that are almost full that I am ignoring. Walking a true balanced life for me is not possible here. For humans they are not like I am, well there is one other like me, and that’s ma Belle, there might also be a couple others that are like us too but they are not quite like she and I.

You see life is a flow, all life is connected, and when life is created it comes from all around us. A Soul is made up by the energy around us, the sun feeds plants, the earth gives them nutrients, animals eat the plants and others eat those animals. The energy in them gets transferred to build new life. When life dies it returns to the earth to feed new life. All life also looses and gains part of their soul all day long, you breath in and out gaining and losing some of it, same with going to the bathroom, and then eating, you also loose hair and skin etc… All the time you are gaining and losing part of your soul because it is what you are, the energy that makes up all things. Now there are a few like me and ma Belle that this is not the case, we have a set core that does not change, we do still gain and loose some as it is like putting a steel ball in a pail of water, the water itself like for everyone else comes and goes but that one part remains. Life gets changed by our views of it, we see cows as animals and food and Cats as companions, but there is more to it. Their soul can change who and what they are. I am sure you have sensed darkness in a few animals as well as humans; this is part because of what they have done and what the energy that they have taken in has done to them. In the Fetus stage there is a special influx of energy that does greatly influence a beings soul and actions, however they can change if they wish it comes down to choices and the strength of will of the being. Each bit of energy keeps a slight imprint of everything that happens to it, so there is energy around that is from the time of the Egyptians for example and much longer, this is why all life is connected.

Life tries to live in balance and while people want to put names on things and define things, you have to look at the world in a more simple way. A name does not give you power over anything, feel what is around you, fallow your heart as it can sense things your mind won’t let you, and sometimes it asks hard things of us, but everyone has to learn to trust it. I have had so many strange dreams of late, some,,,, well I am not going to say what those are here or to anyone I think, others show me control, they show me my hope and my wife, I know who it is, but I am not allowed to have her, to kiss her and share everything with her and it hurts. I am fighting for her, I am trying to show her I am the one for her and I will always take care of her, love her, be her equal and partner in all things and that I am the one for her always and forever. I have lived through so much and I learned that sometimes there are things to let go of, that sometimes I have had to make hard choices and people do get hurt, but through all that I learned that there are things worth fighting for. I ran away and I pulled all this around to me so I could understand something I did so long ago. I was searching for my forgiveness and how to not make the same mistakes and I finally have. What I never expected was that she would come looking for me. Unfortunately taking on human forms made us in part human and we let stupid human rules and foolishness get in the way, well I did. But I have learned, learned how to be me, how to be better, make the hard choices, how to be kind and loving, how to stand back and give credit, what pain is, how to fallow my heart and what true love is.

I am now ready and my dreams have been showing me that, they are showing me how to control what I have in me, the mind set on how to use it and the love for it I need.

The Walking Dead.

Have you ever felt numb but at the same time like every emotional nerve was on fire? I never thought it possible, usually in the past when I was emotionally overwhelmed my emotions just shut down. I lived a lot of the last few years like that, then my wife asked to bring someone else into our relationship and it snapped me out of that lull I screamed out. Unfortunately I wanted to make her happy and I told myself this was ok. See years ago I was wanting to do the same although I made it clear that this was the way I was before we got together but she objected and I said ok and changed for her and it was the right choice but now she wanted to bring a guy into our relationship and it tore me apart. See I knew him and did care a lot for him but I am a lesbian I don't feel that way about men but I cared for him and for my partner and was stupid enough to be willing to sacrifice anything for her so I said yes. Unfortunately things just went from bad to worse as she strung me along for months before she hurt me by making me guess she wanted a divorce because she was so gutless she could not tell me herself.

This started the pain again even worse and I was pushed to the edge.

It has gotten better since I wrote most of this post 2 weeks ago but there are times that I still feel like that. Lost, confused and like I am the walking dead.

Lost.

I thought a lot about what I could possibly write today but the truth is while there is so much I could say I just can’t. Well I can say I fractured my right foot today and was encouraged to go to the hospital but why, there is little that can be done. I will just have to live with it.

I have never found myself so lost.

Alone and In the Dark.

Have you ever been in a relationship and been more alone there then if you were in the middle of the ocean with no one around you for miles?
I learned what that feeling is the last couple years, at first it was fine, but bit by bit she pushed me away, she stayed in her room and did not want to do things or try new things. She tried to blame me when I was out with others, but it was her that pushed me away, she is the one that did not want to spend time with me, so I spent time with others. But I never ever crossed a line let me be 100% clear on that. So I learned painfully what it was to be so alone, because it is more painful and lonely to be alone with someone then it is to be alone physically.
This really clicked for me when I heard the Kelly Clarkson song, now that you’re gone I think it is called, I really can smile for the first time. I really do have my freedom back now, but let me tell you never sacrifice for love that is never properly returned and never let it get away when it comes by, we rarely ever get a second chance that’s why I will never let myself be used again like that.

The Choices of Rights.

I originally was going to just talk about paths in life, and while I will most likely get to that I thought I would address a couple other things.
I have faced many issues in my life, a body that does not work right, and yet works too well, I heal close to 100x faster than normal, but this also causes regeneration of nerves that are healthy causing pain. I am immune to 90% of drugs making dealing with the other medical issues very difficult. This body does not suit who I am and it I still a struggle even now, plus the physical pain I am in constantly.
I live without the people I love in my life, as I know many do, I am not asking for pity just a statement. I understand finally what love, true love really is, it is loyal, loving and true. Love should never be cruel, hurtful, or make cruel demands of someone else for their own benefit. Love is selfless, and true love is the purest form of love. So let me tell you all this so you know what pure true love really is. True love is when you are willing to bear any pain or suffering for the one you love and never demand or ask for anything in return for loving them. Only when you can look at yourself in your own eyes and know your love has no ends, or limits and is not selfish and that you would wait forever for them, this is true love and it only happens once in a life time.
So commitment and devotion, people to me have always seemed to get it wrong, Devotion does not means servitude, and commitment does not either, no one had the right to expect control another in a relationships on the extreme levels they do. Now I am not meaning healthy dynamics, I am more meaning the ones were for example a guy expects a woman to be subservient to him.
Remember these lines.
No one is better. Not female OR male.
You do not have the right to expect another to submit to you.
Treat everyone equally regardless of them being in a relationship with you.
If you have trouble knowing when you are hurt too many times from someone set a 3 strike rule, every time they make a mistake that is a strike, after 3 cut them off.
Love unconditionally and respect the one you love, when they ask you to help them or do something try and do it and expect them to fallow your lead.
Equality.
You need to be happy belonging to another but you can’t be a door mat. You have to be their equal .

Love & Hope The Quintessential Human Insanitys.

So in continuation of my self-analysis from last night I have decided to look at hope and love, and complete my evaluation of pain today.
I guess what I want to say about pain lastly is that it is different for everyone; no one can judge another on what hurts. People most likely look at me and think money came easily to me and I have lots of nice things around me so how could I be in pain or suicidal. Well even a gilded cage is still a cage. The trappings of a cell do not make things better, maybe prettier in some ways but honestly how could simple things like a house or curtains, tv’s etc make things better when you are hurting on the inside enough so that you want to take your life?
I used to say “People that don’t think you can buy happiness just don’t have enough money” How wrong I was, money can buy the things we need for life like food and shelter, clothes and the necessities in life but beyond the simple nice basics what does it buy, do really all these gadgets, 800$+ shoes, $10k leather couches make you happy, hell have sat more comfortably on a cheap couch then a very exp one this is why I went frugal on my couches, comfort over cost for me, same with the other things in my house.
Anyways back to pain and money, I have learned that it does not matter to me at all what material things I have, or anyone else might have. What is important to me is love, and pain itself has nothing to do with the trappings around you. So never judge what might be painful for another as it might not be for you, but that does not diminish their pain. I have nice things, sure not lotto rich nice things but ok nice I guess, but they mean nothing to me beyond being able to give my kittens a safe protected home and allowing me to try and take care of the one I love. But I would trade anything I have to be happy and not in the pain I am in, it eats away at me internally and physically every day. See I stand by my values, I don’t lie to people, I don’t gossip, cheat, steal, betray, abandon anyone, I keep my promises, I am kind, loving and loyal and yet I still live in a world where people treat me like shit for no reason. This is also a world without my father, or the woman I love more than my existence. So it does not matter what or why, poor or rich, successful or a failure, pain is pain, it is what we do with it that matters. I am choosing to keep my faith in why I am still alive for as long as I can and hope that my deepest wish comes true. But I don’t take my pain out on others, it does not matter what I am going through or have gone through I don’t hurt others because I am in pain or for any reason actually if I can ever possibly help it.
I know it is so much harder to do the right and kind thing all the time and not hurt others but it is very rewarding to know you have done something for someone else and made them smile. If there is any advice I can ever give anyone it is a couple things.
First be kind even when someone else is not, it is not a thing to do it is a way to live.
Second be loyal. Don’t betray people or hurt others with gossip and lies.
Be true, while these first 2 are hard it is far better to know you can go home and know you are honorable and they are not. But know doing those 2 is something that does make the world a better place bit by bit.
Lastly is to fallow your heart, I learned this the painful way, while there are people that we can love and make us happy there is only that one that truly completes us. I have found mine, I lost her a very long time ago and when she found me again I messed up and lost her again. I pray every day for another chance and I know I will never make the same mistakes I did, nor will I run away from her ever again. I am hers, I always was and always will be. I am so sorry I hurt you and ran away. Please know I have loved you before time existed and I will still love you when it ceases to again and long past that point.
There is another type of pain and that is physical, it is different, and don’t get me wrong it can be just as bad in many ways as emotional pain, as it can cause it just as emotional can cause physical. To be trapped in a body that is in extreme pain with no end in sight is a horrible thing and I speak from experience. See when you break a bone you know it will heal, but when you have nerve damage, or chronic pain there is no cure, just medication that you have no idea how it is going to affect you long term. So you either live in pain or deal with the side effects of medication. Either way it sucks, but here is something for you to remember when dealing with others.
There is a line most of us have heard “Walk it off” or “Suck it up” now in some cases these can be legitimate statements, however I have shattered my ankle, (broke my tibia and fibula in over 10 pieces and while it hurt it was barely anything to me as I have been in pain most of my life) Now someone that is not used to pain or have a less robust nerve system, or just that their nerves are more sensitive they could be in extreme pain that they are not used to, so please don’t judge people badly when they are injured, just respect them and try and support them.
However,,, and this is a HUGE ‘however’ or ‘but’ there are people that become their sickness and bitch and wine and become cruel, bitter people. They want people to pity them and will not push past their new set limits, and these people become the crazy old coots or cat ladies. I have no pity for them; while pain is an indicator and should be listened to you don’t have the right to make the rest of the world miserable with your behavior. So either deal with it or quite, and before you think I am being a hypocrite here let me specify something; it is ok to say you are in pain, or decide you need to take it easy sometimes or rest. It is when you shut people out and use a comment like “Well I can’t go shopping because my left arm hurts year after year” or “You have no idea what it is to be in pain like I am all the time so you know nothing” These types of statements mean you stop living, and well honestly if you stop living there are better reasons, unless you really can’t move, however I have seen more active and happy quadriplegic’s then my aunt for example that lost the use of her left arm and has some physical pain. Oh dear what a horrible reason to make everyone else around you feel like shit because you have become a paranoid crazy witch of a woman. So be respectful to others when you are in pain and to the ones in pain.
Ok so that’s pain in a nutshell, respect people and their pain, but also respect people when they consider taking their life. I speak from personal experience, I don’t mean to say just let them do it, or not to try and save them; but also be careful of the ones that’s brag about being suicidal as they are not usually, they are just looking for attention most times. Ones that are rarely tell anyone, and if they do reach out they usually only reach out to one person, so if someone comes to you or you see signs try and be there for them. It is a slow process and you need to be patient with them, I learned this from the amazing woman who saved my life. Thank you.
Now don’t tell them it is wrong, or patronize them by telling them everything is going to be alright as honestly that really pisses us off. What we need is to see reasons to stay alive, so you need to find reasons to keep us interested in life a day at a time. Also watch out for a moment were we have gone from very depressed to very happy, usually this is a sign we have decided to end our lives and that choice has made us happy. Lastly and this ties into the issues of pain, there is a point that someone can be in so much pain you need to let them go, but that’s your call individually, no one call tell you when to stop fighting for someone, especially when you love them.
So how does all this tie into faith and hope?
Well no one can really say what hope and faith is, some have it in a belief system, some have it in others or themselves or multiple things, but what is it? Well I am not going to say what it might be for everyone but I will say what it is for me.
For myself it is something that comes from deep within myself, deeper then my subconscious, it is something that when I close my eyes I can hear it call out to me deep within the essence that is me. See there are things in my past for too horrific to say here, things that needed to be done but still the cost of them has weighed heavily on me for a very long time. I wondered how with all that blood on my hands how I could ask for forgiveness as the only one that could forgive me was now dead, and self forgiveness is honestly to me a foolish thing I had to look within. But with that came faith, faith in that I could find my forgiveness. This is not quite a belief as such, as that is something that on a conscious and subconscious level can be debated and possibly tossed aside with reason or emotion. Faith however is beyond that as you can debate it all you want and try and convince yourself of it not being there but it remains. It is part of who you are, this is what my faith is. The problem with faith is it is not always the right word, here it is right and wrong see faith implies something in your core you believe, but does not cover what you know, and by that I mean know in your heart, in your soul and spirit.
So in conclusion you need to close your eyes and listen to that voice deep down, and fallow your heart. For it knows better than we do, I am fallowing my heart now for the first time in my life and I know it is worth it no matter what it costs me in the end. :) So all of you close your eyes, listen and make a choice to be a better you and make a better world by listening to your heart.

Pain or Pleasure, do I know Thee?

Everyone seems to take pain for granted, we all know we have things in our lives that cause pain, but have we thought about what pain is? There are many different kinds and some of them more just then others. But what is pain exactly? This is what I have been asking myself for months now; well that and just what is the point of life, should I be here and is there is a reason for my pain.
The thing is everyone experiences pain in different ways and I don’t just mean how the express that pain, but more how they feel it. For me pain manifests though myself physically, extreme chest pain, physical body pain and memory loss are some of the major ways I react. So I have started to ask myself where and why this started, why did I become the way I am and is it possible to keep the parts of myself I like.
So where did this all start for me, well I guess like any good story I should start at the beginning.
I grew up a pretty happy kid, completely understood mind you because no one guessed how smart I was, but one day they did figure it out (Thanks Dr Green.) So after that diagnoses I went into private school and went from a D average to an A+ because I was challenged. So this seems great right? Ok in many ways it was, I had both sides of my grandparents close by, my parents loved me, we had our country house, my grandparents lived on a lake, I was the top student in school, it all sounds perfect doesn’t it?
The problem was I never really fit in with anyone and I felt a stranger in my own skin. But I was still in most ways happy; then came the day sometime in march; I came home from a school trip to see a 4 Sale sign on my lawn. This was a horrible moment for me and the moment my little girl inside stopped growing, but not the worst moment in my life. So we moved and I lost my family, friends and school.
I lost my father the greatest man I ever knew to cancer, my friends betrayed me daily for no reason other than to hurt me , I lost others to death, the rest of my family was 10,000 km away and not part of my life and I was losing hold of who I was. I felt so out of place and lost. I thought for a point that I found someone, and I committed to her but in the end she abandoned me as well, unwilling to fight for an 8 year relationship that I gave my all to regardless of what she thought. I also had 2 heart attacks from stress, that caused chronic chest pain below my breasts that hurt so bad if I was not on extremely strong pain medication I would be curled into a ball crying. Now I have a very VERY high tolerance to pain, I have been hit by a car, fallen off 80 + foot cliffs, broken lots of bones and none of that bothered me I could shrug that off like nothing, this pain however would almost stop me from breathing it hurt so bad. Shortly after I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia, but that was not the end of it, I lost about 70% of my past to memory loss that they could not explain, plus migraines and a number of other issues that they have yet to explain. All they know is that as always every test comes up normal but yet they can see that my body is degrading and they can’t figure it out and this all added to more pain and depression.
 But what do you let yourself believe, I was in a relationship and you don’t let yourself go back to places like that, while you can’t control love, you can sometimes choose to remain distant as you think it is what is best even if it is not as you are just lieing to yourself. But this is still a pain deep within you even if you pretend it is not there and added to my currant pain till I called it quits.
Over 10 years of almost nonstop pain, betrayal, lies and the black hole effect left me with nothing inside anymore. I wanted to see a future I could be happy in but it just was not there,,, but something very powerful and deep within my consciousness begged me to wait, but I was terrified of what the next pain could be and I did not want to face it.
So just as I had decided the day was now to take my life she stepped back into my life and I paused.

Moments of Peace.

It’s been so long, a road I did not think I could travel as I was alone, or so I thought, I never knew you were there all along helping me, saving me, protecting me, now here I am, lost and found at the same time, wondering what now. It is an impossible road still ahead of me, and no matter what it will be hard and complex, but also for the first time worth it to travel that path. It took me years, I was like a bottle of wine, bitter and unready, but with a spark of potential that needed time to come to the surface. Now I am many special things and I am proud of them and of the woman I have become because for the first time I can say it was worth it. The pain, fear, ridicule and heart break are finally forth is, I have learned what pain is and I don’t wish it on anyone anymore. For me to find you, now, here of all places is an impossibility I can’t even calculate, but there it is, there you are, how could I never have seen it before? Maybe I was just blind, I am not sure, maybe to scared is what I think, although that is not to say I am not still scared, hell I am even more terrified then I ever have been, but also I am more brave, and stronger than I ever was, I can stand up and be strong when I am needed and yet obey when the I want too because it makes my heart filled with a joy I never knew possible. I am not sure what I am, or even becoming but I am looking into the future. One step at a time and remember to enjoy the little things.